I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
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We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Taco Bell, Exit 22
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.