I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
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My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it