@LoveNLunchmeat: I'm automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@shadygrenade: "Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself." *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
@sophielou: Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
@UncleDuke1969: [book store] ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter* CLERK: What is that? ME: "Origami for Dummies." I want to return it.
@realHamOnWry: It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says "You're fired" every time he launches a nuke.