I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
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For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My wedding will be open casket.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*