@sbellelauren

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

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@PinkCamoTO

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

@jessforaminute

*Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat*

Join your brothers and sisters sweet child

@TheRolo

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

@decentbirthday

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

@Mmelulu

Apparently the owners of Aldi and Lidl were really brothers. Presumably Aldi was the alder one and Lidl the Lidl one.

@klickitatstreet

I’d only marry someone if they seemed like they’d be pretty easygoing during our divorce.

@WilliamAder

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

@Home_Halfway

[Park]
PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours?
ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid

@Mr_Kapowski

Guarantees in life

1. Death

2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill