I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
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Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Them: Just act casual
Me:
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
So, can we agree on 4 or
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.