13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
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I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.