I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
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Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Cndnsd Mlk
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.