I’m basically Switzerland.

I’m cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.

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STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.


Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he’s in there the more powerful he’ll become.


Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.


Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*


[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*


Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.


FRIEND: Try to relate to her.

(Later on Date)

ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?


Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.


[calls wife] honey help

‘whats wrong?’

im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit

‘ok just stop crying’