@ShadyLadyHH

I’m basically Switzerland.

I’m cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.

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@lmegordon

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

@Ygrene

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

@FrazzleMyGimp

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

@JiminyKicksIt

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

@Holy_Mowgli

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

@leechee420

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

@Swishergirl24

My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

@KalvinMacleod

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

@PortRooster

On phone:

GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!