@ShadyLadyHH

I’m basically Switzerland.

I’m cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.

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@scottlynch78

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

@finkelsteino

Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he’s in there the more powerful he’ll become.

@Kids_kubed

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

@RoquiRock

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

@DanMentos

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

@sixfootcandy

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: Try to relate to her.

(Later on Date)

ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?

@elwaytotheend

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

@hippieswordfish

[calls wife] honey help

‘whats wrong?’

im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit

‘ok just stop crying’