I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
My what?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.