I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”