Coffee for people with no kids
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I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
motivation
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”