@Kali_Mura

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

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@megancarnahan16

My favorite college memory was accidentally skipping class on the first Monday of deer season freshman year because I legitimately thought that was a national holiday that meant no school and didn’t realize I just went to a yeehaw high school

@Illuminati_Stop

BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN 1961. 1+9+6+1= 17. YOU KNOW WHO USED TO BE 17 YEARS OLD? HITLER.

@MrT1M

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

@KatieBurnett

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

@lloydrang

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

@Fred_Delicious

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

@Marlebean

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

@wizdom

A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.