My favorite college memory was accidentally skipping class on the first Monday of deer season freshman year because I legitimately thought that was a national holiday that meant no school and didn’t realize I just went to a yeehaw high school
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
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BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN 1961. 1+9+6+1= 17. YOU KNOW WHO USED TO BE 17 YEARS OLD? HITLER.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Discussing Ferguson with friends
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.