I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.