@distracting_me

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

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@philyuck

my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples

@TheRobCee

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

@NYC_Blonde

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

@Merman_Melville

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

@TheTweetOfGod

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

@SortaBad

I’ve upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony

@IvoryGazelle

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

@BoomBoomBetty

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

@UnFitz

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

@ZoeLightly

I don’t wear tight skirts because I’m flirty, I wear tight skirts because they used to fit.

*eats another Oreo*