I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

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my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples


Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.


I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.


Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles


The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.


I’ve upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony


Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no


Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.


Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.


I don’t wear tight skirts because I’m flirty, I wear tight skirts because they used to fit.

*eats another Oreo*