I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
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An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
meow
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual