I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
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A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
ugh not again
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.