I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
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A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal