FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
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It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?