I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

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Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.


Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?


I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”


Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…


[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex


I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.


I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.


The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.


PARENTS: When someone offers you drugs, you say no!
ME (going out into the world): I’m ready
[literally no one offers me drugs ever]