I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
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MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*