@beefman138

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

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@SavoirFail

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

@simoncholland

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

@Kendragarden

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

@kay_bee28

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

@House_Feminist

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

@Mardigroan

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

@lucidchemistry

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

@patnspankme

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

@InternetHippo

PARENTS: When someone offers you drugs, you say no!
ME (going out into the world): I’m ready
[literally no one offers me drugs ever]