I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
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DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Lmfaoooooo
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol