doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
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Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
doctor: u are overweight
me: hah yeah
doc: ok drop your pants
me: ur giving mixed messages doc!
me: so do u like the Indians
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace