I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
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somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.