I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
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Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol