I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
You Might Also Like
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.