I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
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Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?