If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
You Might Also Like
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles