Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
You Might Also Like
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked