Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
You Might Also Like
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.