“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
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Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Pat is about to own someone
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.