You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
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[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Call me a burglar, except all I take is things personally.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife *lets her in*
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
WIFE: How was the first day of space command?
ME: *dejectedly taking off my space suit* I messed up and said “laser beans.”