@AsgardianRose

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

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@ericsshadow

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

@TheNYAMProject

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

@GrantTanaka

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

@kelkulus

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

@headstrong_girl

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

@erica_rosie

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

@MahnkeaTaylor

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

@ginadivittorio

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?