I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

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You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”


[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”


My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.


Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.


wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife *lets her in*


My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.


Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.


WIFE: How was the first day of space command?
ME: *dejectedly taking off my space suit* I messed up and said “laser beans.”