I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
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If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?