I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
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Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon