I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
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Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A