I’m breaking up with you. No, your paintings are not the issue!
Vincent van Gogh: (holding his severed ear) Is it the way I dress?

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*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
*dog now also fat*


You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.


idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]


If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.


I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.


[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels


Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now


Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.


“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.


What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use