*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
*dog now also fat*
I’m breaking up with you. No, your paintings are not the issue!
Vincent van Gogh: (holding his severed ear) Is it the way I dress?
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You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me: Will you marry me?
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use