@usermcuserface

I’m breaking up with you. No, your paintings are not the issue!
Vincent van Gogh: (holding his severed ear) Is it the way I dress?

You Might Also Like

@ErrenMichaels

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

@UnFitz

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

@pleatedjeans

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

@careworn

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

@ManvAlcohol

I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

@ArfMeasures

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

@Sarcasticsapien

Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.

@jessokfine

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

@cydbeer

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use