The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
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Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Cannot stop laughing at this
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Wikigenius