I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
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“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.