@envydatropic

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

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@Donna_McCoy

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

@Mikecanrant

The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances.

*locks doors*

@AJslackie2

I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.

@RobbyActually

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

@urmumsausername

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

@DrakeGatsby

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

@ArfMeasures

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

@BrattyBarbie

Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.

@Gupton68

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*