I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
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My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
PARKOUR
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.