I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
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Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
What about a To-Don’t List?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious