I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
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eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
2 years later
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”