I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..