@AlisonLeiby

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

- @AlisonLeiby

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@mystikandmom

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

@LuvPug

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

@debon7

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

@BillCorbett

To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!

@adamochoa

*makes 58008 on an abacus and turns it upside down* dammit

@OutOfLeftField_

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

@lloydrang

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.