Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
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My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
not for long
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Goodnight 🐶
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.