Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
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🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that