“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
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me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
The internet is full of many things
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*