“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
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My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
A short story of betrayal:
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
twitter users today:
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Me when my alarm goes off
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry