I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
You Might Also Like
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.