@Parkerlawyer

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

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@CruisinSoozan

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

@LuvPug

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

@ShutUpThatsWho

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

@realHamOnWry

Unless you’re planning to lay there shirtless in an open casket, there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise.

@jellybnbonanza

The barista was telling everyone in front of me to “have a nice day” but when it was my turn she just handed me my change so I did the only sensible thing I could do and got back in line.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

@BobbyAwful

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

@TheWeirdWorld

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.