I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
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At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah