I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
You Might Also Like
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
What the hell happened in there??
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.