@iheartgunts

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

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@amandaacheckers

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

@CruelMeiga

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

@WheelTod

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

@FeverFlave

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

@JPHaddadio

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

@bossy_bootz

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

@AaronFullerton

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

@GoldenSpirals

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *