@iheartgunts: I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
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@rose24_em: If a guy spread rose petals all over my apartment, I would literally look at him and just be like: "I'm not picking this up."
@Social_Mime: My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there's a 100% chance I'll be there and then I don't show up.
@JillianKarger: REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn... Oh goddamn it.