I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
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[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!