I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

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My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig


I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.


At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground


I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.


Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.


Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher


“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”


Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *