I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
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You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
#Caturday
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway