@Brianhopecomedy

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

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@Tmoney68

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

@NicestHippo

WIFE: He thinks he’s a news anchor
DOCTOR: Is this true
ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]

@ceejoyner

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

@_ElvishPresley_

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

@BBQJones28

When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”

@PresTightrhymes

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

@mammascorpio_r

How to make meals for toddlers:

Step 1. Choose any food.

Step 2. Throw it away.

@thesulk

If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.

@chrisdowning

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.