[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
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WIFE: He thinks he’s a news anchor
DOCTOR: Is this true
ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
So, my parents did NOT appreciate their Yelp review.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
How to make meals for toddlers:
Step 1. Choose any food.
Step 2. Throw it away.
If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.