I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
You Might Also Like
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
me opening up to someone
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*