I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
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Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I love you…
…r dog.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.